Sometimes, when I want to give up, I ask myself? Why Do I like creating? Why do I like performing? and my first answer is”I don’t know” it will be so much easier if my passion was being an accountant.I will not have to eat so much plain rice when I am broke 🙂
When I decide to give up, I try to find a regular and secure job and trust me I have mastered the “art of the interview to get any jobs” so I get easily hired (when they don’t Google me and realize that my passion is not really customer service, office clerk or a call center representative and I don’t feel fulfill by serving in a well-known restaurant ).I am also well educated so I can look like a great employee to achieve somebody’s dream.
I usually go through a phase where I say to myself; let’s give up.Let’s buried all those stories I have in my head, all those characters who begs me to come alive and shine in a screen (computer, TV or Theater).Let’s kill the creative side of my brain and become the best employee I can be and have a steady job. For the days where I will feel like I am dying inside, I will just drink 2 glasses of wine and that’s it …I get easily drunk so it’s not going to be expensive…To be honest with you, recently, I was in that phase.I was telling myself; I co-founded a film festival ( OWTFF) where we celebrate filmmakers and actors from all over the world so let’s focus to that and until this new venture brings enough profits and I will work in any jobs I can find …I might even go back to serving who knows? …I’m the worst server in the world but until I get fired I will have a job.
Recently, I started (it was a mistake or a blessing) to write another script …not even a script …an idea of a script and a new character was born… a character completely different than all the other ones I have written … I looked at him ( yes it’s a little boy) and I said to myself I need to wake up …I need to keep fighting for my passions … This made me revisited few of my scripts and rewrite some of them and it felt so good …The feeling of creating was so exciting.I almost had an orgasm 🙂
I also have to say that …I am in a negotiation for the same project for 5 years and someone who seems interested by it asked me “what else do you have?” which gave me no choice to read my pitches, treatments, and scripts.This exercise made me realize that I have a world of characters who are just dying in my computer and they want to live …They want to talk to people …they just want to be but what can I do? I am not rich and I don’t have a member of my family in the business and having friends in the industry does not mean you will get help.I am also in deep negotiations for the same project for 5 years!! I know it’s nothing in Hollywood time but God it’s hard ! Especially when it is the only thing you want to do and the odds are not always good …Remember, I am a French Canadian black woman and even though the Quebecois film industry is blossoming, they are not ready for me ( this will be a subject of another blog post).So sometimes, I just want to give up and that’s it. It will be so much easier…
Acting …so much to say about that …I remember, when I was a little girl and I had to come in front of the class for show and tell. I was so so excited, even though I was bullied in the most horrified way I loved the fact that I had an audience, even if this audience hated me.As a kid the only time I felt alive was when I was performing…I still don’t know why…maybe is the fact that for a moment, I was someone else.
Growing up, I was more and more addicted to performing on stage …but knowing that I will not be able to make ends meet as a performer. I decided that I will be the best journalist ever …I went to school knowing that I will still perform as a journalist.I also have to say that one of my passion is also political science so I though it will be the best of both world; Acting+Politics=Jounalist.
When I went to Promedia ( a VERY expensive school in Montreal for journalism with working journalist as teachers) I realized that being a journalist was not really what I wanted and I have to say that most of my “journalist teachers” were telling me that “it will be hard for a black woman” …”I have no place in this industry” one even said that “the gap in my teeth will not work for me as a journalist” …And since I was not the confident woman I am now …I believed them.I still got few contract as a journalist until I realized that maybe It wasn’t for me.
Fast forward to today…Like I say earlier in this post, I recently felt like it was better to give up acting and creating ( why? that will be the subject of another blog post) It was clear in my head that I needed reevaluate my life…Then, I stumble into the “Hollywood Reporters” Roundtable on Youtube and I was listening to the actors talking about their passions.I saw the sparkle in their eyes.it’s this same sparkle I had every time I was on set. I was happy either it was an amazing experience or a really terrible one, I still had that sparkle, this rush of adrenaline.
So, I decided for 2017 I will create and perform as much as possible. I will go back to create with small or big budget.For 13 Witches, I created the project with the smallest budget possible and it was great but so many things happened( againa subject for another blog post) I decided to no do any projects with no funding…Looking back that was the stupidest mistake ever! And now, I am ready to release all those characters I have jailed in my computer including the ones I have created for me. I now believe that if I start the train everything will come in place like it should be …The only thing I will make differently is to surround myself with people who understand my visions and want to really be part of it…Surround myself with people who love acting and filmmaking the way I loved it. I need to start having fun while I am acting and directing and find people who at the end of the day just want to have fun and are ready to let go and just enjoy the ride…No Diva or Big Ego.
So stay tune …I have few projects coming with very cool people 🙂
If you read all this blog post you truly are a fan so I want to thank you and I hope I did not bore you with my bla bla bla …Kiss Kiss to you Darling 🙂